Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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