The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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