I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
