You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize