party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
