Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
