it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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