its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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