I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
