im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
