her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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