I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
