last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
