Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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