new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
