I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She told me I should be a condom model.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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