I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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