I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
