she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
me + whiskey = a bad person
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
