so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
