You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
