Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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