my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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