I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize