Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
