i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
