someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Randomize
