paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
