I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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