that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
