You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
