Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
