had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
