Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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