I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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