Your face is a jimmy john
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Operation Purity has been aborted
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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