Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
