I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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