woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You are the jesus of drinking
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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