No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
