I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
