he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
