Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You are the jesus of drinking
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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