Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
bring money and cleavage
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
