I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i came on her dog
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
