You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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