Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
The best revenge is premature balding
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
