i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize