He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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