Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i think i just naturally attract stoners
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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