I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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