I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
