i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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