There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
