after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
