He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize