Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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