I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
